The Stinky Shoes of the Universe
by Dalva
Summary: A fic I wrote 2 years ago for an English assignment. Arthur, Ford & Zaphod go in search for...I forget, honestly...but they get sidetracked along the way. PG for mild sexual suggestion.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy and its characters aren't mine or anything. But since Douglas Adams is sorta deceased, do I really need to be putting this on here?  
  
Author's notes: Like I said, I wrote this 2 years ago for an English assignment in skool. That's why it's not like my other fics. Basically a sillyfic, but I had to give it a plot, dangit. Plots are no fun.  
  
~The Stinky Shoes of the Universe -- Chapter One~  
  
Somewhere in the universe, on a small obscure world, located somewhere in the middle of nowhere--nowhere to be found at least--since it's protected by a vast field of unprobability, lives a strange, middle-aged woman. Because of this unprobability field, barely anyone comes to visit her. She is the keeper of many creatures, one of which is very destructive (I would describe its appearance, but it's too horrible to reveal at this time), so this planet is a very messy one. It just happens that this woman is also the keeper of The Stinky Shoes of the Universe, as people call it (rather the stinkiest shoes in the universe), one of the greatest sights to see, pointed out in The Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy (along with Eccentrica Gallumbits of Eroticon 6--FOR SOME PEOPLE--but let's not get into that subject). The story doesn't start out here, but it's useful information. This is the real story:  
  
~*~  
  
Aboard the starship Heart of Gold (the first and only starship to be powered by the latest technological advancement, the Improbability Drive), Zaphod Beeblebrox, Ford Prefect, and Arthur Dent were enjoying a round of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters and were having a REALLY good time.  
  
Man, Zaphod, we're having a REALLY good time, huh?" enthused Ford.   
  
Zaphod managed to mumble something that seemed to be a response, when Eddie, the main control computer of the starship (aka The Brains of the Operation), chimed in, "Having a REALLY good time or not, it's not safe to drink and fly; you could blow one of your heads off, and you need as many brains as you can get."  
  
"Aww, shut up, you technical difficulty!" responded Zaphod, half aware of what Eddie had just said, but he figured it was all an insult and not a warning. It registered when his Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses went black, and he thought, "Oh, dude! It was a warning!!!"  
  
Forgetting he had an ego the size of Jupiter and the REALLY good time, he took the sunglasses off just in time to see a supernova less than ten yards away from them. As the supernova was sending them straight into a black-hole, Arthur mumbled miserably, "Well, there goes the REALLY good time." 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
~Chapter 2~  
  
"Oh, perfect! Now what'll we do?" whined Ford.  
  
"Well, you've got thirty seconds left to live," answered Eddie.  
  
There was an awkward silence. Even though it wasn't very long, it seemed to last forever. Well, what else can you say at the end of your life than "Bye"? But again, at 29 seconds after Eddie's words, the Improbability Drive kicked in, and and Zaphod, Ford and Arthur were teleported to a nearby space shuttle.  
  
"Wow, that was different!" exclaimed Zaphod. "What exactly just happened?"  
  
"That's what you call the Improbability Drive," replied Ford. "Remember when Arthur and I just appeared on the Heart of Gold?"  
  
"Duh! Do you really think I would forget that?" asked Zaphod.  
  
"Well, it just happened to you, exactly how it happened to us," said Ford, ignoring Zaphod's remark completely.  
  
The passengers aboard the space shuttle were sitting there gawking, since they'd never heard of an Improbability Drive, let alone ever used one on a space shuttle. Arthur just told them he'd explain it to them later.  
  
"By the way, where the heck are we going?" asked Zaphod.  
  
After five minutes of gawking, sputtering, and being asked the question fifteen times, one of the astronauts managed to squeak, "Earth?"  
  
Arthur yelled "Woo-hoo! I'm finally going home!!!" at the top of his lungs. "Let's go celebrate with another round of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters and have another REALLY good time. Wan't some?" he asked the astronauts.  
  
"Uh, no thanks. Never touched the stuff," one of them replied on behalf of the other, who was still shocked beyond words (literally).  
  
After a few hours of a REALLY good time, the shuttle reached Earth. While Arthur was lying on the floor unconcious from the shock of reaching home, Ford was filling up a glass of cold water to Arthur up with. A high pitched screech and an argument later, they realized they were outside the shuttle and on planet Earth...physically. All Zaphod really noticed at the time was a rather large lump in his sock.  
  
"Man guys, I've got a lump in my sock! It's *really* annoying me," Zaphod complained.  
  
The three of them stood in silence, staring at Zaphod as if he had 2 heads...well, actually, he did, so as if he had 3 heads (does that work?).  
  
Changing the subject, Ford asked, "Has anyone ever heard of the Stinky Shoes of the Universe?"  
  
"Oh, yeah! I've heard of them," replied Zaphod. "But aren't they protected by an unprobability field or something?"  
  
"Yeah, I think the keeper has relation in...somewhere in the states--maybe Arkansas," Ford said. "Hey! Maybe we could try to get the key to the field from her relatives. I've heard good reports about 'possum pie in those parts too!" he exclaimed, drooling.  
  
"I'm not even gonna ask," was all Arthur said. 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
~Chapter 3~  
  
The trip to Arkansas was at night, everyone was asleep, and nothing really happened. In other words, it's not worth writing about. But when they got off the plane was when things started happening again. Zaphod, being really excited about the Stink Shoes of the Universe, asked the first person who walked by if the knew if anyone had the key to the unprobability field.  
  
"I don't know what the heck you're talking about, man, but you should probably talk to the governer about it," she said. She stood and stared for about five seconds, then freaked out and ran. Fast.  
  
"What was that all about?" Zaphod asked.  
  
"Gee, I don't know," replied Arthur sarcastically. "Maybe it's your second head and third arm! Speaking of heads, mine really hurts!"  
  
"Mine does too," said Ford and Zaphod's two heads in unison.  
  
Luckily, the governer's mansion was within walking distance (wow, how convenient, huh?). When they got there, he wasn't there but his wife was.  
  
"Sorry, Bill's out right now, but I might be able to help you. What do you need?" she asked. Of course, that was before she saw Zaphod. When she did, though, she passed out for a few seconds before she was able to say anything.  
  
"What the heck are you, anyway?" she asked after regaining conciousness.  
  
"That's not important; we'll explain it to you later," the famous lie in this fanfic. "What we need to know is...hey! Bill Clinton! Isn't he addicted to..." Ford was interrupted by a sharp nudge in the ribs by Arthur. "Ouch! Man, what'd you do that for?"  
  
Ignoring Ford, Arthur said, "What he means is to watch out for him, because he'll have some affairs. Trust me, I'm from the future. I just now discovered that we got knocked out of time by a black-hole. I say getting a divorce is the best thing for both of you."  
  
"Well, those are the things that upset me!" exclaimed Zaphod. "As president of the galaxy, I should know that the presidents before me, as well as myself, go to *professionals* like Eccentrica Gallumbits for that kinda of thing--but I can assure you that we DO NOT have affairs."  
  
"Uh, maybe we should get back on the subject of what's going on," said Arthur. "We need to know if anyone in this state has the key to the unprobability field."  
  
"The...what?" Hillary Clinton asked.  
  
"Nevermind. You'd know of it if anyone had it. That's all we needed to know. Bye!" Arthur said. The three walked out of the building, leaving Hillary totally confused.   
  
"Wait! The Heart of Gold's gone!" Ford cried. "We're stranded on this stupid planet!"  
  
"Whadya mean stupid?" asked Arthur defensively.  
  
Breaking the argument up, Zaphod called, "Hey Ford, remember when we thought we'd lost the ship and it was in my pocket? Well, you know that lump in my sock I've been complaining about?"  
  
"Like I could forget..." mumbled Ford, a bit annoyed.  
  
"Like I was saying, before I was so RUDELY interrupted, I think this might be the starship!"  
  
Ford and Arthur plugged their noses as Zaphod removed a small metal object from his sock. The shrunken Heart of Gold started expanding slowly. When it reached its full size the three got on it, unaware of the gawking crowd that was forming. 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Not mine  
  
~Chapter 4~  
  
Eddie greeted them as they took off. "Hi there!" he said. "My it's a lovely day, and..."  
  
"Shut up or I'll delete you!" threatened Zaphod.   
  
"I just wanted to know where I should take you," replied Eddie patiently.  
  
"We would like to go to The Stinky Shoes of the Universe, but since we can't get in there, and I've had too many Gargle Blasters and my heads hurt, just take me to the Galactic President's Executive Washroom," said the once again annoyed Zaphod.  
  
"Great choice!" beamed Eddie enthusiastically. "I'll take you there in a jiffy!"  
  
"Wait a minute," Ford said. "Zaphod, if you can get into the Galactic President's Executive Washroom, then you have had the key to the unprobability field ALL THIS TIME!"  
  
Zaphod turned red and returned the remark with a quick, "I knew that," then turned to Eddie and commanded, "Take us to those Stinky Shoes!"  
  
When they got there, Zaphod was so excited he opened the door of the Heart of Gold and took a deep breath. But as soon as he did, the stench of the shoes and the rest of the creature smells of the planet knocked him, Ford, Arthur and the starship off the planet and into a black-hole. 29 seconds later, the Improbability Drive kicked in and they ended up on a nearby space shuttle once again.  
  
"Oh boy, I am NOT gonna like this!" said Arthur miserably.  
  
The end! 


End file.
